Restless

I'm back from a night in Michigan and I must say, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I miss my family a lot. I miss my house and my pets. It's kind of overwhelming.

I'm not completely against this move- I just wish it was a slower transition. Starting a new job, moving to a new state and attempting to set up an apartment all at the same time is making me feel so anxious.

I have depression and, due to lack of health insurance, it is not currently being treated. My only remedy is trying to talk to Brian and my mom and hoping that they understand and say the right things (it doesn't always happen). I feel sort of like I'm drowning from all of these changes.

On one hand, because I'm moving I have the opportunity to choose between 2 health insurance plans: the one through the company I'll be working for and the one through Brian's company. Unfortunately, it'll be at least a month before I'll have coverage which means a month of dealing with the depression on my own and a month of terrible allergies (living with two cats that my body isn't used to). I know that this move really is for the best and that I really need the money so I can finally start paying my bills, but I wish that a lot of things were different.

I really wish that my mom and Shawn lived closer to Cleveland. Four hours is a long drive after a long day of work so, naturally, I won't get to see them as often as I'd like. I've told both of them that they are more than welcome to visit anytime- we have both an air mattress and a pull-out couch (plus my mom has two camping cots).


It's a lot to handle and I mostly just feel like sleeping. I get this way when my depression grabs hold of me. I feel overwhelmed and alone even though I know that there are people by my side. I think the best way I can describe it is like being chained to a wall in a dark cave. You can't really move and you sometimes feel like people can't hear you. You want to scream and grab onto someone to pull you out but you can't.

Yeah, I think I failed at that description. I'll figure it out. I know I'll only be in this rut for a little while longer but it is eating me alive in the mean time.


I guess that's all for now. Brian turned on Failure to Launch and I can't focus anymore.


Goodnight, kids.